i skipped school and decided to stay home today...because i'm sick

sick to my stomach at realizing that i may never catch up again...

i'm drowning because i never learned how to swim... never tried to learn to swim... and it's pretty hard to learn now that i'm already in the deep end...

and people around me can't save me and are actually just freakin annoyed with me... because they've paid their dues and learned to swim and are already too busy to help the hopeless...

sabi ni darlene at myra ang first impression nila sa akin, parang palaging may iniisip... sabi rin sakin un ni ate nung summer nung sabay kami umuwi...

e sa marami naman talaga ako iniisip e... yun nga lang medyo mga walang katuturan ung mga naiisip ko... ay hindi, meron namang katuturan... pero yung mga tipong bagay na "e kung gawin mo na lang kesa pagtuunan mo lang sa isip mo e wala namang nangyayari.."...

perfect nga ung nasa blog ni margie e... sabi dun worrying is like sitting on a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but doesn't get anything done.

talk about the definition of my life...

i was deeply fullfilled singing with krista at sara's debut... on the sidelines lang ha.... kahit na i was pretty much tone deaf and my voice sucked... it reminded me how much i loved singing... and krista teaching me to play the guitar really felt good...

which reminded me how much i sucked again... how i give up without really even trying... how my pagkamahiyain and katamaran and thumbsucking has prevented me from progressing as a person...how these nonexistent things, things that are only in my mind, hinder me from doing the things i want to do , from reaching my dreams...

it is up to me... it has always been up to me... and now that i'm eighteen, in second year college, have old parents who i should help out instead of ask help from ... it is only up to me...

and God of course... I tried living without HIm for quite a while... maybe that's why i'm drowning...

eto darlene at myra ang palagi kong iniisip....

e kung isipin mo na lang kaya yung designs mo... onga no...

e kung isipin mo na lang kaya kung ano ang mga kailangan mong gawin... onga no...

e kung gumawa ka na ngayon... OONGa...

Naguguluhan na ako... gusto kong makatulong ... Naiintindihan at nararamdaman ko naman ang pangangailangan... Pero bakit wala ang puso ko sa pakikipaglaban...

sumali lang ba talaga ako dito dahil crush ko si atom araullo at gusto kong mabuo ang karanasan ko bilang isang taga-UP? Hindi... HIndi ako ganoon kababaw... Una pa lang ay naiintindihan ko na kung bakit kailangan baguhin ang sistema sa ating bansa... pero bakit ako pinanghihinaan ng loob?

makasarili ako... ayaw ko lang umalis dahil ayaw ko mawala ang ibang perspektibo sa mga pangyayari sa ating lipunan... matakaw lang ako sa "knowledge"... ayoko tumulong pero gusto ko lang malaman ang mga nangyayari...

gusto ko rin naman tumulong... ngunit natatakot ako... kahit na sinasabi mong wala nang panahong matakot...pinaalala sa akin na mayroon akong mga magulang, mayroon akong mga responsibilidad... sa totoo lang hindi ko naisip iyon... handa akong sumama ngunit nahihiya ako... nararamdaman kong nakikita niyo na hindi buo ang aking loob...

ito lang ba talaga ang paraan? naiinis ka na... kikilos ba ako dahil nahihiya ako kung ano ang iisipin mo tungkol sa akin?

pero bakit ako nahihiya... ipinahihiwatig ba nito na mali ang aking mga pinipiling gawin?

kausap ko ngayon si xela sa ym...

pinuntahan ko at sinulatan si Prof. Caguisano kanina, sana itext na niya ko para makahinga na ako nang maluwag... sana macomplete ko na ang philo1...

ang sarap makakuha ng mataas sa arch17 paper lalo na't pinag-isipan ko talaga iyon...

hindi masyado nakakalungkot bumagsak kapag nanood ng sine before the exam...at alam ko namang kaya ko...

haay, the power of positive thinking..

namimiss ko na ang mga high school friends ko... ang tagal ko na silang di nakikita at nakakausap...

kahit nga college friends at roommates ko bihira ko na makausap at makabonding...

si uzi palagi ko nang nakakabonding...

sana makahanap kami ng archives ng csrc...

mahal ko na ang arki at unti-unti na rin niya kong minamahal...

ang tagal ko nang nd nagbblog... nagdecide kasi ako na bumalik sa old school na paraan ng pag chronicle ng life ko... well, ang tagal ko na ring nd nakakasulat sa diary ko...

one of the reasons i decided to go back to writing on actual paper was because i got scared of what people (read: my uncle) may learn about me just from reading the "about me" part in friendster, not to mention this blog... ate ko na naman nanakot sa kin.

my gosh, when will i learn that anything my sister says hinders my creativity... i lrealized this while watching anc one evening kc obligasyon ko maging maalam sa kalagayan ng mundo... but instead of news a talk show was on... It was about alternative pre-schools and they were talking about one called Waldorf...

yes, waldorf... obviously for the rich... At first i was turned off by it because i was (and i guess, still am) in a phase where i resent the rich... you see, i've recently been exposed to the injustices of capitalism ... nothing personal to the rich, though...

anyway, i liked their ideas on education... as waldorf's head put it, kid's have magic... nobody really teaches a child to walk or talk but still, they manage to learn those skills...

according to her, kids in waldorf aren't treated like students... they don't impose rules on learning, they let kids be... their activities include observing plants and letting them draw them and explore on their own... wow, just like real scientists! and they let the kids write and illustrate their own stories... again, wow...

i know i know, ...we also did that in grade school, drawing plants and writing stories, but somehow grades sucked the fun out of that experience...The love of discovery wasn't there... No magic...

i realized that i lacked this love of learning and fearlessness of creativity, and as an arki student i really needed these skills... i used to blame our lack of money for lessons for my lack of "talents"...Now I know i can blame my ate for it (ok, part of the blame falls on my gullible tendencies).

i had all the chances to be creative when i was a child... my family supplied me with more than enough materials and even my surroundings were very conducive for creativity... i grew up in a place where there were trees everywhere and many more animals than people for god's sake!

it really is just my ate... probably not, maybe it's just me... but it's a lot more interesting to blame somebody... my ate never used her crayons, she always wanted her stuff to look brand new... and since she was my idol i, too, tried to maintain stuff (that wasn't supposed to be in mint condition) in mint condition...

I mean c'mon... i had to ask for permission from her before i could color a picture one of my coloring books... I could, according to her, only color a max of one picture per day... add in her perfectionist tendencies where you could only draw perfect carbon copies of sailor moon or not draw at all (which also goes for singing and dancing, not perfect? don't do it)...no wonder we weren't little artists...

buti na lang tinawag ang puso ko ng arki...

"education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self confidence." Robert Frost

when i wrote my first "Oust Gloria" post, I never thought that several months from then my views would totally change...

joining a socially conscious org really helps making my world a whole lot bigger and scarier yet at the same time inspiring me to make a difference...

plus, on a lighter note... the org gives me a chance to see (and even sorta meet) him", ( the guy i was mad at in the first post..)